Moving Through Molasses
On grief and gratitude.
Every year as I head into February, my therapist always reminds me to be mindful of my calendar, build time into my schedule for grieving, and be intentional with commitments. We’ve been doing this dance for a while so, I always think I got it.
Some years, the day passes with ease. Other years the month rolls through the way a large truck with ceramic trinkets drives over a cobblestone road.
This year has been…interesting. I share the anniversary of Mami’s death with Oyá as I was crowned on one of her syncretized feast days. That has shifted my grief over the last 7 years. I’m usually busy preparing, getting the house ready, gathering offerings, etc. I knew things would be different when I was told that my focus had to be Mami this time around. I am nothing if not obedient, so I did what I was told. The day was bright and quiet as I sat by my altar with food, flowers and candles for Mami and the usual spread for Oyá. There were a lot of tears with the juxtaposition of grief and love being not only physically felt but visually seen.
Since then, I’ve been moving through my days as if dipped in molasses, set out to dry and then thrown back into the sticky substance daily. A hardening of thoughts and body, while navigating the world with a heaviness that requires extra effort and energy.
The fact that I’ve been sitting in a puddle of varying levels of grief all the while trying to book events, find creativity to talk about the book leading up to pub day, and generally attempting to live within the collective chaos of the world as we know it feels like God’s got jokes.
And here I am. Trying to spark my brain to do the things listed in this notebook that is supposed to keep me on track. I’m not finding it yet. But if I’m honest, if I hit publish on this ‘stack, it’ll be a huge accomplishment.
I’ve been wide awake since 4 am. Managing ongoing, endo-related hip pain while showing myself grace and not letting my intrusive thoughts get the best of me.
I have so many things I want to do with this book, so many hopes and dreams for it. When the first book came out, my dreams were quickly snuffed by Covid. This time around, I pray I get to see all the people I want to see and speak in all the spaces I want to speak in.
We shall see.
Enniweighs, I’ma be in Brooklyn on 03.21 at Café Con Libros and honestly, the thought that I’ll be heading there is providing the level of giddiness I think I need to get through the day.
If you’re in Orlando, I’ll be at Barnes&Noble, East Colonial on 03.14. More dates will be added as soon as they are confirmed. Be sure to check here for updates.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit outside and drink water to see if it does for me what it does for plants.
How are you moving in this time?
