On the First Day…
I don’t know when it began. The ritual for the first day of school.
I think maybe it was in 1st grade, after we moved into our home.
I wanted to build moments with you that would stick.
Bright dots in your memory that would light the way when you need it.
…Pancakes
With a sprinkle of possibility
A dash of excitement
A pinch of trepidation, but you can’t taste that
Because the hint of sweetness from the chocolate chips prevails
They come out golden, with the edges browned just so
Small enough to stack
Big enough to fill your belly, and your heart
You talk about the things you’ll remember when you’re older
There’s a hint of grief when you speak of it
Already feeling the sorrow of times past
Even though, at your age, you should be more grounded in the present
I think that’s what early loss can bring
A realization of the passing of time
An understanding of what will remain
And an appreciation for the little things that make up this life
I’ve spent your lifetime attempting to give you good core memories
I hope this is one of them
That you can recall these moments fondly
As a memory to keep or to share
I have one more first day of school
One more round of chocolate chip pancakes at 6 am
I suspect I had my last day of drop off today
And this is why my tears were free flowing as I wrote
Next year, I’ll be waving at you from the driveway
As you make your way to the first day of senior year
But today? Today we had excited conversations
We had planning sessions
We had fashion shows
We had interminably long lines at drop off
And they all came with gratitude
There’s a grief in parenting that we rarely speak of
There is a sorrow that’s woven in to every moment of happiness
We raise you, we protect you, we teach you
All in service of you leaving our side
I still remember holding your hand on your first day of preschool
Remember the pink shirt and the two afro puffs
I remember that you smiled, hugged me, told me you loved me and left
Happy to step into the colorful classroom and new faces
I cried then, too. Seemingly understanding my task for the first time
But now this mujerón is standing before me
Equal parts baby and young woman
Every version that you have shed is precious
Every version that you step into is sacred
And I love every part of you
Thank you for still requesting the pancakes
They’ve become a sign marking important school moments
Like first days of school or test days
Thank you for continuing to believe that my pancakes are magic
Able to give you a special something on the first day
And the ability to perform well on your tests
I guess now I have to confess
That my magic is magic because of you
That my superpowers settled in the moment you were in my womb
That I have only been the vessel, waiting on the right time
That I am simply returning your magic back to you
Some days I do it with my words and prayers
And on others, I knit the next memory into the quilt of time
Another sprinkle of magic, goodness and love
In the shape of yummy circles on your plate
As we mark the importance of this date
